It’s 10:00 AM, I’m sitting on the sofa with a plate of sandwiches and coffee. There’s no one at home. I switch on the TV and put on my favourite show.
I have peace. I no longer need to pursue it.
There’s no one at home, no ones’ decisions I have to factor into my actions.
I eat what I like, watch what I like, draw the curtains to let in as much sunlight as I like.
Lately I’ve been feeling the pressure of finding a partner as my friends get married one by one. Which is funny, because 23 is way too young. It’s way too young.
I find myself thinking about what will change if that happens - I’ll have someone to go to shows with, travel, do fun, couple-y things with. Except that I do everything but the last one by myself.
While I do not disagree that being a couple would intensify (for the lack of a better word) the experience, it begs the question - is that intensity something I need? What if it goes in the negative sense of the word?
I’m not against marriage or partnerships (I will be vastly unpopular and would have to build a moat to protect myself from arguments if I was), but I am against the idea that being in that state is the only way to be happy.
Happiness is a snowflake. It looks and feels different to every single person.
To every single person who tells me I will reconsider soon as I find someone - don’t.
I’m tired of the narrative where I get left behind because I am not in a happy relationship working towards a house, a car and kids. Looking back, all 8th grade Shamika wanted was a house of her own, money of her own, and ownership of her time to do whatever she liked.
I have all that.
I am not ahead, I am not behind, I am where I wanted to be.
Boundaries are lines on the floor, walls are structures that rise high
Lately I’ve had to be very careful in the kind of friendships I’ve developed, because this year has been a beating on that front. It helps to remember that people will go, but people will come.
It’s worth asking yourself in any new friendship that seems to progress - do you need boundaries or do you need walls?
Lines can be crossed, and they are a privilege that you extend. Climbing over walls is a violation.
The grass is greener everywhere else
I open instagram and see a bunch of mutuals out partying.
Intrusive thoughts pop up - ‘Why am I not having fun?’ until I remind myself that I’ve tried it out and found it boring to do more than once.
I see people attending celebrations in their corporate offices and ache for that feeling until I remember the strings that come attached.
The grass is greener everywhere else, but it’s green here too. I’m just not looking at the grass I am standing on.
I still don’t have an answer for those questions in the previous edition, but I’m happy to report I’m trying out different things. Will keep you posted!
Less confused, still meandering, but walking semi-cheerfully forward in a direction,
Miks.
I second you on that. I too get thoughts of such line, but it feels like a lot to actually go ahead. Still, happiness is subjective just like art and how you find it doesn't matter. 🙌