10/More questions than questions

January was a trial period, now the year begins..

This year I decided to swap resolutions for questions.

What do I want my life to look like five years from now? Typical HR question Shamika, very original (rolls eyes at myself).

I think the more important question is - Is what present Shamika wants her life to look like five years from now, is what future Shamika will also want at that point in the future?

Deciding for the future requires a peek into the past. So here goes -

1. I’ve wanted to be financially independent since school. Check.

2. I wanted to have a place of my own since school. Check.

3. Wanted to be abroad by this point for a master’s degree. Hell scared, procrastinating it. Unchecked.

4. Wanted work that feels meaningful. Semi-check.

As a person of ‘frequently-changing-interests’, I think it wouldn’t be in my best interest to make plans for 27 year old Shamika.

But as you might know, for anything to take off, a good solid five years of dedicated effort is needed.

1. I think one way to look at it is to drill down to the core of who I am and what I will always consider important.

2. The second way is to take stock of all that I’ve tried and make a list of things I don’t want to carry forward.

3. The third way is to try more things. (Get yourself out of bed more Shamika, TIA)

(If you have it figured out, HELP! Please reply and tell me your secret)

Some things I have recently realized about myself -

1. Always thought I was a nerd and likes brainy stuff. Realized I hate board games and always zone out or want to finish the game ASAP.

2. Thought I’d be happiest in a room reading a book. I am happiest in a park, sketching, out in the sun like a happy plant.

3. Thought I was brave as hell and fiercely independent. Realized how difficult it is to manage alone when I’m sick. I also can’t convince myself to move to another country for acads because it is a huge step. I was built for baby steps, not ocean leaps.

It’s weird to come to a point where you realize how wrongly you’ve understood yourself. I’m at that point folks. Have you had any such realizations?

I think a key to designing the kind of life you want is to gather a bunch of keys and try them on a bunch of locks. (Did you really expect advice from a 23 year old? I know nothing, I’m Jon Snow.) (But if I drink I might know things :P). (Sorry non-GOT fans!) I will deeply regret these refs in the morning.

Before you throw your phone, hold on, I’ll tell you my plan -

Wait for it -

Just as soon as I figure it out.

Thanks and regards, please don’t unsubscribe (which is digital shoe-throwing), much love,

Miks.

The point of this newsletter was to acknowledge feeling confused and lost. It is okay(?) to not have life figured out. I’m going to start with one step, one day.

How do you deal with such feelings? Our ability to feel complex emotions has evolved far more than our ability to process them.

My brain is going haywire with multiple existential and futuristic questions. I don’t want to leave you empty-handed. So I’ll leave you with more questions instead.

I want to invite you all to ruminate on these questions with me for 2023 -

1. Do I understand myself enough to make good decisions for my future self?

2. How have I changed in the past year? What used to make me happy but doesn’t anymore, and vice versa?

3. What comfort zones have I broken out of, what comfort zones have I jumped into?

4. What is my worst case scenario of how life will turn out, and how do I plan to deal with it?

Let’s figure this out together.

Note to self - Maybe avoid so many numbered points in future editions.

Cover image by Tingey Injury Law Firm on Unsplash.